Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
