You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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