Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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