Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
