Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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