Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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