We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
