mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
