i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
