In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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