If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
