I'm sorry my penis didn't work
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
