Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
we're so committed to being not committed
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
