she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
