are you so shy because you have an std?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize