Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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