All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
