i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
