I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
