The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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