Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
