I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
