i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just found puke in my bra..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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