now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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