I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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