Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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