We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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