I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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