i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
