Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Boobs are out for the taking
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
