I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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