I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I still have a little drunk in my system
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
