Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
