hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
