I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
