I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
