fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
