she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
