I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
two words: eviction party
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Every concussion has its silver lining
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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