I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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