dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
