got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
