By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
