our cab driver is having phone sex.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
