I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
