just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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