You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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