Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
