I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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