What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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